Use a little CBT on myself

I was in a bad relationship.  It sort of ended last February.  The man had been my closest friend before we headed down the path of boyfriend/girlfriend.  It was a terrible mistake.

He is a sex addict and I ended up spending all my time and energy guarding him.  It was the worst relationship of my life.

We tried to go back to being friends but it wasn't working well.  So I decided to take several months 'off'.  Now we are gradually trying to be friends again, in a much more casual way. 

I had endured crippling anxiety during the course of our 'relationship'  and terrible crying jags.  All of that went away when I stopped seeing him.  But I find those prickly tendrils climbing my neck every once and awhile since I have started allowing him back in my life.

I listened to "Co Dependent No More" in the car and it completely struck a cord.  I started that relationship as the rescuing angel.  I was the healer, the kindest, sweetest woman ever.  So understanding, so loving, so attentive.  But then I transitioned to bitterness "Why don't you appreciate me! After all that I give you!  Why can't you appreciate me!"  And then the victim and he balked at my bitterness and began acting up in his addiction.

Why would I want to be friends with this person?  Its complicated.  And a whole other story.  Suffice to say, I am not sure if I can have a healthy relationship with this person.  Healthy friendship.  But I would like to try.  It may be a good exercise in not rounding up, learning to set healthy boundaries, how to be in connection with this person without becoming co-dependent with him again.

I am not sure if its possible and I may have to give up.  But in the meanwhile, here is what I am noticing:  I get scared when I feel close to him, because I feel like it is going to be taken away:  Abandonment issues.  Because I have an insecure attachment style.   I also know very well that although he is fun to hang out with and we have alot of interests in common.  We are NEVER bored in each other's company, he is not a suitable match for me.  Our dietary and lifestyle habits are in opposition, our cultures, our priorities, our communication skills, education.  So I thought it would be good to write up a list of the qualities that would make an appropriate life partner for me.  Something I could go back to if I begin to feel tempted by the vortex of trying to create a life with this man, who is not trustworthy or appropriate.

My Image of an appropriate life partner:
A man who is educated and enjoys reading.  He has a well developed sense of humor (I can't live without humor.)  He is self-actualizing, exploring life, welcomes adventure, but also has a sense of home and stability.  He manages money well. He is warm and kind and honest.  He operates in the world with integrity and a sense of purpose, wanting to contribute.  He gets along well with children and enjoys them.  He has strong bonds with his male friends.  He has healthy habits, enjoys exercise like hiking, enjoys a variety of ethnic cuisines, likes cooking together.  Enjoys movies and travel.  There is something intellectual about him. He shares my cultural perspective and takes a genuine interest in my work and does interesting work himself.

Okay.  That is a list to return to, a buffer between settling for the nightmare of another relationship with my friend, and allowing space in my life to realize what I really want.

One of my professors gave us a tool from CBT.  A Fear Form.

On the form you rate:
Calm--1---2---3---4---5---6---7---8---9---10 Very anxious

I find when I am around him I can go from 1 to 10 in an instant.  I can return myself to 1, but some thought about him or idea will trigger me back to7 or 8.

So we look at these questions:

1) What is the worst that can happen?
I could get attached again and be lied to and treated badly.  I could have to end the relationship entirely.  Cut this person out of my life.  Go through losing him again.  This felt terrible the last time.  Although in truth, I was in so much pain around him, that when I stopped seeing him, the pain stopped and I felt much better.  So losing him wasn't that bad.
2) What is the best that can happen?
I can find some balance.  Enjoy the creative spark we have together, but not get into a dependent relationship.  Limit the time we spend together, though when we are on a role, it is very tempting.   But rather, keep in mind the limitations of the friendship.  Not get into a regular habit of friendship, but maintain a healthy distance, while enjoying the fun parts.
3) What is most likely to happen?
I can see me getting seduced again.  Pulled in to more and more regular get togethers, feeling the pain and flush of jealousy over and over, when i would really rather not know, not feel that feeling of inadequacy that I am not enough woman to hold his attention.  Wonder over and over, if we get along this well, why can't we be a couple?  Though this time I know.  Because you can't couple with someone who is a sex addict.  With someone you can't trust.  I will have to absolutely recognize every time I feel the impulse to heal him, that will be a time to withdraw, regain my equilibrium and remember, I am not his therapist.  It is not my job to help him work through his issues.  Avoid that trap.
4) Even if the worst happens, what could I do to cope?
I need to maintain balance in my life, not let my friendship with him infringe on my work, my school, my kids my other friendships.  The worst thing would be if I fell in love with him again and began neglecting everything else and then had to go through that withdrawal again.  There is always that 'what if' he finally meets a woman that he really wants a relationship with (as he says he does) and then he abandons me?  That terrifies me.  But the alternative is just not having him in my life at all and in truth, I was supposed to be that woman, and he couldn't be faithful to me.  Even though he loves me.
What would I do to cope?  I would reinvest in my life.  In truth, if I feel my energy redirecting from my life to his, that is a warning to pull back.
5) What are some steps I can take to influence the situation?
Well, I am in therapy.  I am going to start going to al anon and Coda for support to help me learn more healthy relationship habits.  I am going to keep on alert (and perhaps have my female friends keep watch) for that redirecting of energy from healing my own life to healing his.  When i feel that impulse, it is a warning to step back and regroup.  I can avoid having a 'regular' playdate with him.  I can continue to build my other friendships and relationships.  I can keep my focus on school, work, my kids, my life, my friendships. 

During the months that I didn't see him, I didn't dedicate much of my thoughts to him.  But as he creeps back in, calling, wanting to get together, I feel him starting to preoccupy my thoughts.  I had (in the months previous) made a very concerted effort to redirect my thoughts whenever I would catch myself thinking about him.  I would redirect my thoughts to other friends, my kids, spiritual matters.  This was very helpful.  And I need to keep employing that tool as I embark on this possibly foolish journey.

Experiential Therapy

Reading Tian Dayton's The Living Stage to preparation for a full week long internship in experiential therapy and psychodrama. I am not totally sure how I feel about it yet. I mean, I have a theatrical background and I love role play. I think it is such a powerful tool for integrating ideas into actions. You can talk forever about what you might do, could do, but until you try on how it feels in your body, your brain, on your tongue, it doesn't feel real or realizable.

(link to watch a little preview of The Process video for a sampling of what psychodrama looks like)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4trcAVp1Zc

There is an entire language to psychodrama. Its a totally foreign language of sociometry and social atoms and protagonists. I am cramming the book before I start on Friday. Watched the 13 minute version of The Process. I am curious to see how people go through this work, re-enacting their traumas without being re-traumatized, without fueling their pain. I want to see if the catharsis is effecive. In the book, she talks about concretizing emotions and experience. I want to understand this (so I can explain it here, right now its all foggy in my head.)

I can see that this process could be very empathy building through role reversals. In this therapy, you stage scenes from your life, with the help of the director/therapist. You can be the protagonist, or if the scene is too painful, you can have someone else stand in for you. You can also have a 'double'--someone who stands by you and helps you voice your feelings. Then you cast the other members of the ensemble, the other characters from this scene in your life. Sometimes you do a role reversal, where someone else plays you and you experience being the other person in the scene,exploring what it feels like to be them in the scene.

This will be in some ways a stark contrast to my other internship in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (I promise I will address this copiously in future posts.) Though we do role playing in the skill building groups. I feel as if I am about to leap into another world--one that may arouse some of my skepticism, but may also open doors of insight and techniques and orientation that were previously unknown to me.

Questions to contemplate

*Nature vs. nurture? 

Nature vs. Nurture

*How do humans change?

* How do counselor and patient interact?  What is the nature of that relationship?

*Are humans innately good or evil?

* How do humans make meaning?

* Do humans have free will?

* To what degree does a person’s childhood affect their lives as an adult?

*Does the bigger picture/ meaning of life matter?

*What role do techniques play?  And from where do you obtain them?

*What is the relationship of affect and cognition?

*To what extent does the theory need to be supported by research? (ie. EST, EBT)

*What role does culture play in human development outcomes?

*What is the primary cause of suffering?

* Who decides the direction of therapy?

*What is the focus of therapy?  Cognition? Behavior?  Affect?

*  Modern vs. post-modern?

* Focus on client’s problems or client’s strengths?

* What are the boundaries of the client/therapist relationship?  Limits? Length of therapy?

*What is the purpose of counseling? (ie. To make the person independent?)

*Is the focus on the present? Or on awareness of the past?

 (research suggests that awareness is not enough to support change…)

*What is the role of client’s self awareness?

 (Your theory informs if awareness of how you construct meaning from your childhood is actually important.)

*Emerging self?

*What is your view of personality?  What is personality? Is it fixed or chaning?

*Does the therapist tell the client what she thinks/interprets, or do you build scaffolding?

  (Ideas about scaffolding vs. telling)

·         What articles or readings have resonated with you as “the truth”?

*Free will/determinism:  to what extent do people direct their own actions? Or are governed by other forces?

*rational/irrational: do people think through their actions or do they react to external stimuli?

*Past/present:  to what extent are people fixed by early events in their lives and/or affected by experiences later in life?  What is the relationship between the two?  What is the importance of the past, present and future in governing behaviors?

*equilibrium/growth: to what extent are people motivated simply to maintain a psychological balance or state of equilibrium or does the urge to grow and develop shape people’s behavior?

*motivation: what are people motivated by?

*How do people learn/unlearn?

*Are there critical periods in personality development when people are especially adept at learning things that may be difficult?  Or even impossible later?

* How are sex/gender, race/ethnicity, class, ability, status incorporated into the theory?

* Are historical, political and economic factors reflected upon/important?

* Are theoretical changes required as the theory is applied to individual, groups and family?

*What is health?  What constitutes a life well lived?

*What skills and competencies are needed to be an effective counselor?

* What outcomes can be expected from therapy?

*What are the responsibilities of the client in the counseling process?  What is expected of the client? What may the client expect of the counselor?

*Who should establish the goals in counseling?

*What internal and external blocks resist change?

*How does the counselor deal with those blocks?

*What constitutes a problem?  Why do people go to counseling?

*What are some of the difficulties and problems (for client and counselor) in counseling?

Rounding Up

Its probably a mistake to start my first post with something not from the major psych reading.  But I am going with a 'what's on my mind approach'.  And here is what is on my mind.  In the car on the long drive to school and back (other than ditching my book on tape for a little Labor Day weekend Radio indulgence that included Queen, Rush, and Fleetwood Mac--all music that tickles my pleasure principle.  I did just read an article that said it is important to indulge aural pleasures), I am listening to a book on tape called Vital Friends. 

Okay, it isn't even written by a psychologist--apparently the guy has a bachelors in psych, and used to work for the gallup polls so he is good at polling.  But he makes some good points.

He was talking about 'rounding up'.  What he means by that is the tendancy to look at the faults of your friends and think about what you want them to be for you. The ways that they fail you,  instead of the ways that their friendship benefits you--the things you enjoy about them.

I think I do this.  Okay, I definitely do this.  A guy friend came over yesterday to fix my car.  I made him a nice lunch and after he worked on my car, we cuddled and watched a very funny movie together (Youth in Revolt--no bearing on my theoretical orientation, just a really funny movie and I do believe in Laughter as the best medicine--perhaps a carry over from the reading on the back of my grandfather's toilet, r.e. Reader's Digest).

Anyway, all I could really think about during our time together was how distant he was.  He often, usually is.  He isn't my boyfriend.  He's just a good friend.  But sometimes he doesn't feel very emotionally available.  Distant.  Like a fortress is built up around him that is very often insurmountable.  When he left, I felt empty and isolated.  I really appreciated him working on the car, and laughing together at the movie.  But I wanted to feel connected and secure.  And I didn't.

Then last night, I had a meeting of some creative types that I hang with.  It was at another friends house (actually another, ex-boyfriend turned friend--like the car guy.)  And I found myself doing the same thing on the way home.  Reflecting on all the reasons he is not my boyfriend.  All the things wrong with him.  What makes us incompatible.

Rather than focusing on the things I appreciate.  Like his willingness to host these events we do each month.  How much fun we have together.

I think it is a protective thing.  This rounding up.  It prevents me from being too vulnerable, from getting too attached in a world of uncertain relationships.  Yet both of these guys have been around for a long time.  I am still protecting myself from them.  Rounding up their flaws, wanting them to be more than they are. 

I do this with female friends to.  Measure them.

Of course, the point in the book is an excellent one.  And one I already knew.  You can't get all of your needs met by one person.  He hasn't gotten to it yet, but the book cover talks about your '8 essential friends'.  I imagine that means, he has deduced that we all need 8 essential friends to meet all of our needs.  Rather than demanding everything from 1 person.  I have been trying to build a life like that.  But sometimes, it is hard to focus on what you have, rather than what is missing.

It is a constant struggle for me.  Each night before bed now, I have been doing a 'gratitude walk'.  Going around the block (especially when I feel lonely) and thinking of all the people I am grateful for, all the things and elements of my life that I am grateful for.  The aspects of those people that I am grateful for.

I am grateful to my ex-husband for being a good dad and paying the alimony and child support on time, that allows me to go to grad school, I am grateful for my kids that bring me so much love (and challenge me!).  I think of each friend and the ways that they enrich my life.  Perhaps this is a good exercise to counter balance the tendency to round up.