I was in a bad relationship. It sort of ended last February. The man had been my closest friend before we headed down the path of boyfriend/girlfriend. It was a terrible mistake.
He is a sex addict and I ended up spending all my time and energy guarding him. It was the worst relationship of my life.
We tried to go back to being friends but it wasn't working well. So I decided to take several months 'off'. Now we are gradually trying to be friends again, in a much more casual way.
I had endured crippling anxiety during the course of our 'relationship' and terrible crying jags. All of that went away when I stopped seeing him. But I find those prickly tendrils climbing my neck every once and awhile since I have started allowing him back in my life.
I listened to "Co Dependent No More" in the car and it completely struck a cord. I started that relationship as the rescuing angel. I was the healer, the kindest, sweetest woman ever. So understanding, so loving, so attentive. But then I transitioned to bitterness "Why don't you appreciate me! After all that I give you! Why can't you appreciate me!" And then the victim and he balked at my bitterness and began acting up in his addiction.
Why would I want to be friends with this person? Its complicated. And a whole other story. Suffice to say, I am not sure if I can have a healthy relationship with this person. Healthy friendship. But I would like to try. It may be a good exercise in not rounding up, learning to set healthy boundaries, how to be in connection with this person without becoming co-dependent with him again.
I am not sure if its possible and I may have to give up. But in the meanwhile, here is what I am noticing: I get scared when I feel close to him, because I feel like it is going to be taken away: Abandonment issues. Because I have an insecure attachment style. I also know very well that although he is fun to hang out with and we have alot of interests in common. We are NEVER bored in each other's company, he is not a suitable match for me. Our dietary and lifestyle habits are in opposition, our cultures, our priorities, our communication skills, education. So I thought it would be good to write up a list of the qualities that would make an appropriate life partner for me. Something I could go back to if I begin to feel tempted by the vortex of trying to create a life with this man, who is not trustworthy or appropriate.
My Image of an appropriate life partner:
A man who is educated and enjoys reading. He has a well developed sense of humor (I can't live without humor.) He is self-actualizing, exploring life, welcomes adventure, but also has a sense of home and stability. He manages money well. He is warm and kind and honest. He operates in the world with integrity and a sense of purpose, wanting to contribute. He gets along well with children and enjoys them. He has strong bonds with his male friends. He has healthy habits, enjoys exercise like hiking, enjoys a variety of ethnic cuisines, likes cooking together. Enjoys movies and travel. There is something intellectual about him. He shares my cultural perspective and takes a genuine interest in my work and does interesting work himself.
Okay. That is a list to return to, a buffer between settling for the nightmare of another relationship with my friend, and allowing space in my life to realize what I really want.
One of my professors gave us a tool from CBT. A Fear Form.
On the form you rate:
Calm--1---2---3---4---5---6---7---8---9---10 Very anxious
I find when I am around him I can go from 1 to 10 in an instant. I can return myself to 1, but some thought about him or idea will trigger me back to7 or 8.
So we look at these questions:
1) What is the worst that can happen?
I could get attached again and be lied to and treated badly. I could have to end the relationship entirely. Cut this person out of my life. Go through losing him again. This felt terrible the last time. Although in truth, I was in so much pain around him, that when I stopped seeing him, the pain stopped and I felt much better. So losing him wasn't that bad.
2) What is the best that can happen?
I can find some balance. Enjoy the creative spark we have together, but not get into a dependent relationship. Limit the time we spend together, though when we are on a role, it is very tempting. But rather, keep in mind the limitations of the friendship. Not get into a regular habit of friendship, but maintain a healthy distance, while enjoying the fun parts.
3) What is most likely to happen?
I can see me getting seduced again. Pulled in to more and more regular get togethers, feeling the pain and flush of jealousy over and over, when i would really rather not know, not feel that feeling of inadequacy that I am not enough woman to hold his attention. Wonder over and over, if we get along this well, why can't we be a couple? Though this time I know. Because you can't couple with someone who is a sex addict. With someone you can't trust. I will have to absolutely recognize every time I feel the impulse to heal him, that will be a time to withdraw, regain my equilibrium and remember, I am not his therapist. It is not my job to help him work through his issues. Avoid that trap.
4) Even if the worst happens, what could I do to cope?
I need to maintain balance in my life, not let my friendship with him infringe on my work, my school, my kids my other friendships. The worst thing would be if I fell in love with him again and began neglecting everything else and then had to go through that withdrawal again. There is always that 'what if' he finally meets a woman that he really wants a relationship with (as he says he does) and then he abandons me? That terrifies me. But the alternative is just not having him in my life at all and in truth, I was supposed to be that woman, and he couldn't be faithful to me. Even though he loves me.
What would I do to cope? I would reinvest in my life. In truth, if I feel my energy redirecting from my life to his, that is a warning to pull back.
5) What are some steps I can take to influence the situation?
Well, I am in therapy. I am going to start going to al anon and Coda for support to help me learn more healthy relationship habits. I am going to keep on alert (and perhaps have my female friends keep watch) for that redirecting of energy from healing my own life to healing his. When i feel that impulse, it is a warning to step back and regroup. I can avoid having a 'regular' playdate with him. I can continue to build my other friendships and relationships. I can keep my focus on school, work, my kids, my life, my friendships.
During the months that I didn't see him, I didn't dedicate much of my thoughts to him. But as he creeps back in, calling, wanting to get together, I feel him starting to preoccupy my thoughts. I had (in the months previous) made a very concerted effort to redirect my thoughts whenever I would catch myself thinking about him. I would redirect my thoughts to other friends, my kids, spiritual matters. This was very helpful. And I need to keep employing that tool as I embark on this possibly foolish journey.
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