Rounding Up

Its probably a mistake to start my first post with something not from the major psych reading.  But I am going with a 'what's on my mind approach'.  And here is what is on my mind.  In the car on the long drive to school and back (other than ditching my book on tape for a little Labor Day weekend Radio indulgence that included Queen, Rush, and Fleetwood Mac--all music that tickles my pleasure principle.  I did just read an article that said it is important to indulge aural pleasures), I am listening to a book on tape called Vital Friends. 

Okay, it isn't even written by a psychologist--apparently the guy has a bachelors in psych, and used to work for the gallup polls so he is good at polling.  But he makes some good points.

He was talking about 'rounding up'.  What he means by that is the tendancy to look at the faults of your friends and think about what you want them to be for you. The ways that they fail you,  instead of the ways that their friendship benefits you--the things you enjoy about them.

I think I do this.  Okay, I definitely do this.  A guy friend came over yesterday to fix my car.  I made him a nice lunch and after he worked on my car, we cuddled and watched a very funny movie together (Youth in Revolt--no bearing on my theoretical orientation, just a really funny movie and I do believe in Laughter as the best medicine--perhaps a carry over from the reading on the back of my grandfather's toilet, r.e. Reader's Digest).

Anyway, all I could really think about during our time together was how distant he was.  He often, usually is.  He isn't my boyfriend.  He's just a good friend.  But sometimes he doesn't feel very emotionally available.  Distant.  Like a fortress is built up around him that is very often insurmountable.  When he left, I felt empty and isolated.  I really appreciated him working on the car, and laughing together at the movie.  But I wanted to feel connected and secure.  And I didn't.

Then last night, I had a meeting of some creative types that I hang with.  It was at another friends house (actually another, ex-boyfriend turned friend--like the car guy.)  And I found myself doing the same thing on the way home.  Reflecting on all the reasons he is not my boyfriend.  All the things wrong with him.  What makes us incompatible.

Rather than focusing on the things I appreciate.  Like his willingness to host these events we do each month.  How much fun we have together.

I think it is a protective thing.  This rounding up.  It prevents me from being too vulnerable, from getting too attached in a world of uncertain relationships.  Yet both of these guys have been around for a long time.  I am still protecting myself from them.  Rounding up their flaws, wanting them to be more than they are. 

I do this with female friends to.  Measure them.

Of course, the point in the book is an excellent one.  And one I already knew.  You can't get all of your needs met by one person.  He hasn't gotten to it yet, but the book cover talks about your '8 essential friends'.  I imagine that means, he has deduced that we all need 8 essential friends to meet all of our needs.  Rather than demanding everything from 1 person.  I have been trying to build a life like that.  But sometimes, it is hard to focus on what you have, rather than what is missing.

It is a constant struggle for me.  Each night before bed now, I have been doing a 'gratitude walk'.  Going around the block (especially when I feel lonely) and thinking of all the people I am grateful for, all the things and elements of my life that I am grateful for.  The aspects of those people that I am grateful for.

I am grateful to my ex-husband for being a good dad and paying the alimony and child support on time, that allows me to go to grad school, I am grateful for my kids that bring me so much love (and challenge me!).  I think of each friend and the ways that they enrich my life.  Perhaps this is a good exercise to counter balance the tendency to round up.